RED NOSE DAY AT BIRMINGHAM MUSEUM IN THE EARLY 1990s: SKATING ON DAMAGED ANKLES...

 Red Nose Day At Birmingham Museum In The Early 1990s:

Skating On Damaged Ankles…

I was keen to make an effort and raise money for Comic Relief and after much thought, I decided to get myself sponsored and roller-skate to and from work on Red Nose Day…

My initial problem was that I didn’t have any roller skates, which was solved by borrowing a friend’s daughter’s discarded in-line skates. They were plastic and very uncomfortable when I tried them on and I practised by skating in my street in Hodge Hill for a few moments. The skates proved to be tight, uncomfortable and very strange to wear but I decided to go ahead anyway.

In black track bottoms and a mustard coloured top, I certainly stood out with a red nose attached to my face but I set off with no thought at all about my own safety, for I was only thinking about the journey ahead into the city centre.

It was easy and flat at first, along the nearby roads although the surfaces were not as smooth as I had hoped they would be but then I turned into Bromford Road which would take me downhill past Bromford Infant and Junior Schools, then the two Hodge Hill Secondary Schools towards Bromford Lane, the main Outer Circle bus route. 

My toes seemed to be vibrating as I began to gather speed but it became rather fun, racing along receiving banter from passing vehicles, until I was suddenly aware that there was a side-road ahead and I realised that I had absolutely no idea how to stop the in-line skates…

Speeding down the incline, I suddenly reacted and veered left onto a drying grass verge but of course the wheels failed to slow me down at all and I was sent sprawling like some thug of a central defender had just fouled me. I skidded along the grassy surface, dirtying my top and grazing my thighs but I guess folks looking out of their dwelling windows on the opposite side of the road would have enjoyed the clownish spectacle.

Shaken up quite badly, I dusted down my top and crotch area, crossed the side-road gingerly but moved far more slowly and carefully as I approached the main road. I negotiated several traffic controls and eased left onto the A38, the Tyburn Road which was busy and housed not only homes but factories and offices too, which meant that although there were no inclines or declines, there were cobbled, uneven and cracked surfaces to negotiate…

As I left Tyburn Road my resolve was wavering but I passed beneath Spaghetti Junction and headed through Aston Cross towards Gosta Green and beneath two underpasses, one of which would nearly cost me dearly en route home later in the day. I could barely skate by the time I reached the gloomy city and in fact I was barely skating, simply slapping the skates down, which attracted glances of genuine pity. 

Somehow I managed to negotiate  the incline which was Great Charles Street to arrive at my teaching venue, Birmingham Museum & Art Gallery but I had begun to resent those roller skates which had bruised my ankles badly.

SECRETARY JEAN EDWARDS CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I HAVE ARRIVED AT WORK...

I taught classes during the day and then finally strapped on the skates again with dread and a total lack of enthusiasm. I had chosen to skate home through Nechells, Alum Rock and Ward End to avoid Tyburn Road’s uneven surfaces.

The early going down inclines was bearable but the first real obstacle was an underpass which I would travel downwards into but then have to make a sharp right turn into the tunnel section taking me beneath a main road. Unfortunately I had thought I could make that turn with style but as I sped down the slope it became clear that I wouldn’t make the angle at all and thus I crashed into the facing wall just inside the tunnel.

With arms flailing and legs uncontrollable, I slapped into the tesserae of a huge uncompromising mosaic, winding myself and dropping down to the ground in pain. It hurt. It really hurt… I felt like cartoon character who splats against a wall and yet survives. No-one saw my demise, despite the fact that it was the time of day that many folks were leaving work.  

I really don’t know how I carried on but I did and skating past the Birmingham Science Park I found myself coasting downhill towards a main road and a set of traffic lights which crossed a main road. I needed to go straight on and as I neared the lights, they were showing green, which meant that I could probably skate through and over the pedestrian crossing without stopping…

However, the lights changed as I was within twenty yards or so of the junction and I knew I had to stop somehow. I was duly panicked and from being a cartoon character in the underpass, I was suddenly Frank Spencer from ‘Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em’… With eyes wide, I reacted quickly and reached out with my right hand to grab at a street-light in an attempt to stop myself but as I did so my arm wrenched me completely off my feet with an aching pull. I was swung round wildly and my red nose flew off and bounced across the road as I flew through the air to land on my arse in front of a startled motorist who had braked in emergency mode…

I remained in an untidy heap as the traffic came to a halt but although sore, stunned and abashed, I rose to my feet, thanked the driver, rescued my red nose, replaced it, smiled and bowed and made my way to the pedestrian crossing… I was lucky. I was very lucky…

MY KIDS HAD WAITED TO GET A PICTURE OF ME ON THE RETURN JOURNEY...

The remainder of my journey was innocuous but bloody hard work and I was verbally abused by several Alum Rock inhabitants which really upset me at the time. The final half-mile was hell, as my ankles ached and were raw with blisters, so that when I arrived home, all I could do was collapse on the front lawn and try to recover by easing off the skates and lying there.

REFLECTING ON HELL...

The red nose was sweaty and runny but I did smile, for I knew I had raised a lot of money by performing that ridiculous Sponsored Skate…